My first Love

A lot of students pride themselves on their athletic capabilities or musical talent but for me, it was my academic performance that I was proud of. But like most talents, it takes effort, time or practice and I wasn't one who got good grades without studying; I studied A TON.

I was also in a sorority whose "house" was actually a dorm floor with a "chapter room" (also known as our living room) down the hall. Most of the girls loved studying in the chapter room with everyone else, watching some show or funny youtube videos. I was not one of those girls. And not because I didn't love spending time with them, but because I could never concentrate. I could barely fall asleep if someone was talking outside my room or my roommate's phone was clicking as she texted late at night while we lay in our beds.

I knew my studying time would increase, while my productivity would decrease and yes those friendship and those times are times when memories are built but as a daily routine to study, that was NOT going to fly.

This distraction reminds me a lot of relationships. As of late, I have had numerous people try to set me up with this person or that person and while most every one of them was extremely kind and nice, I just wasn't interested or realized it just wasn't a good situation because the person didn't actually love God like me. That leads people to ask me ALL THE TIME if I'm happy.

The answer is YES.

I am very happy with my life and for some reason people do not believe me. But let me explain.

Let me take you to 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 ... Paul writes...

³² I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. ³³ But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— ³⁴ and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. ³⁵ I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord.

It's just like studying to me. It's not that hanging out with my friends and studying is wrong, it's that I wouldn't be as focuses on my work which was important to me. 

With God, it's not that a significant other is wrong, it's that I would now be splitting my time and thoughts between HIM and him. 

I read these verses and know without a doubt that this time period of my life is for a purpose. Don't misunderstand me, it's not that one day, in the future when it is God's timing, I won't want to get married, it's that I am in an amazing position to serve God fully right now.

And that is exactly what God has been preparing for me. God has placed a dream in my heart and career aspirations. He has been opening doors left and right for my future and although another transition period is in front of me, I'm excited because I am in a place where, come February I can do whatever and go where ever God calls me. 

Until God places a Christian man, whom I am attracted to and who fully and completely loves HIM in my path I will not be looking because it frees up time for me to devote myself to my first love, Jesus Christ. 

So stop asking me if I am happy because nothing makes me more happy than to fully serve God and to have an excited about the future he has planned for me. If I can do his will and serve him first, everything else is a bonus.

I mean look at that precious face, I clearly love life!!! :D

Without Love

I seriously don't know what is wrong with me tonight!

Maybe it was the over 8 hours of driving this weekend or the new environment I was in or the fact that I feel like I missed out with my friends on a tradition or the realization that I graduate in 3 weekends, but I'm feeling awfully reflective tonight.

A few things I've been thinking about.

1.) I can't help but be thankful for my friends. I had such a fun time this weekend hanging out with my friend from home and her friends where so extremely kind to me. We went out and then me and her just got to catch up talk and hang out. I don't think I thought about this much when I was there but as I laid in bed tonight not being able to sleep I just started to think about the weekend.

I def felt as though I was at a college which was really fun to experience but as someone who doesn't buy into the whole idea of "college" I was also really thankful this wasn't my life every weekend. But that's just it IS THEIR life every weekend... and week.

I know I am a bit outspoken and honest but it is really hard for me to believe that the way people live their lives sometimes is because they actually really want it and not because they are trying to hide some inner insecurity or replace something that isn't there... like God. I know I know, but that is me! That is what I KNOW has formed me. I am not perfect and I do have faults but I am confident in who God has created me to be and for what reason, not even necessarily in the "job" market, just in life.

Seeing these students my age or younger give themselves up to situations that and put with the way they are treated because they can't see that there is another way and they deserve better literally breaks my heart. It is all I can do to keep from tearing up for them. You may say they WANT this life, and yeah, I'm sure some do, but I don't see real peace, joy, happiness and contentment within them, they are searching for something and I so wish I could help them find it.

Enough for that one

2.) I feel like I am doing it again.

I am pushing people away. I am so good and very experienced in doing this and I wish I wasn't. The realization that I am graduating has hit me like a ton of bricks tonight and I realize that I've been pushing people away and out of my life because I feel like that's what's going to happen anyways, why not speed up the process. I am delusional.

I always wanted a group of friends that I could have in my life forever and I felt like I finally had it, and now, again, I am pushing them away I feel like. Instead of spending time with them and putting an effort into our friends I am putting my work and my internship ahead of all of those relationships. My Jesus, family and my work are all things that will never leave me because Jesus is the only person to never have let me down, my family are the only people that have even been consistent in my life and my work is the only thing I can fully invest myself in and see an outcome.

This is what happened in high school. People let me down and I abandoned all of them because I never got closer with a situation. Instead I fled and cut them fully out of my life... all but a handful, if that. I just move on.

All of my friends are for a time or a season and then I become a hermit and instead of wanting to hangout with them all I want is to be home with my family.  That is how I am feeling now. I think I am emotional realizing school is ending and I'd just rather speed up the process therefore I miss my family and I miss being grounded. I'm tired of trying to be strong for everyone else and I miss having people around who really challenge me in my faith and my actions. But I also realize I don't actually want to lose these friends. They are the first people I feel like I've really been able to open up too which is awesome but I just feel like I did at the end of high school, like we will all go out seprate ways.

I hope I am proven wrong.
I hope I get out of this funk.
I hope I continue to learn how to respond to relationships
I hope those people I met meet Jesus one day.

That's what I want most tonight.