Without Love

I seriously don't know what is wrong with me tonight!

Maybe it was the over 8 hours of driving this weekend or the new environment I was in or the fact that I feel like I missed out with my friends on a tradition or the realization that I graduate in 3 weekends, but I'm feeling awfully reflective tonight.

A few things I've been thinking about.

1.) I can't help but be thankful for my friends. I had such a fun time this weekend hanging out with my friend from home and her friends where so extremely kind to me. We went out and then me and her just got to catch up talk and hang out. I don't think I thought about this much when I was there but as I laid in bed tonight not being able to sleep I just started to think about the weekend.

I def felt as though I was at a college which was really fun to experience but as someone who doesn't buy into the whole idea of "college" I was also really thankful this wasn't my life every weekend. But that's just it IS THEIR life every weekend... and week.

I know I am a bit outspoken and honest but it is really hard for me to believe that the way people live their lives sometimes is because they actually really want it and not because they are trying to hide some inner insecurity or replace something that isn't there... like God. I know I know, but that is me! That is what I KNOW has formed me. I am not perfect and I do have faults but I am confident in who God has created me to be and for what reason, not even necessarily in the "job" market, just in life.

Seeing these students my age or younger give themselves up to situations that and put with the way they are treated because they can't see that there is another way and they deserve better literally breaks my heart. It is all I can do to keep from tearing up for them. You may say they WANT this life, and yeah, I'm sure some do, but I don't see real peace, joy, happiness and contentment within them, they are searching for something and I so wish I could help them find it.

Enough for that one

2.) I feel like I am doing it again.

I am pushing people away. I am so good and very experienced in doing this and I wish I wasn't. The realization that I am graduating has hit me like a ton of bricks tonight and I realize that I've been pushing people away and out of my life because I feel like that's what's going to happen anyways, why not speed up the process. I am delusional.

I always wanted a group of friends that I could have in my life forever and I felt like I finally had it, and now, again, I am pushing them away I feel like. Instead of spending time with them and putting an effort into our friends I am putting my work and my internship ahead of all of those relationships. My Jesus, family and my work are all things that will never leave me because Jesus is the only person to never have let me down, my family are the only people that have even been consistent in my life and my work is the only thing I can fully invest myself in and see an outcome.

This is what happened in high school. People let me down and I abandoned all of them because I never got closer with a situation. Instead I fled and cut them fully out of my life... all but a handful, if that. I just move on.

All of my friends are for a time or a season and then I become a hermit and instead of wanting to hangout with them all I want is to be home with my family.  That is how I am feeling now. I think I am emotional realizing school is ending and I'd just rather speed up the process therefore I miss my family and I miss being grounded. I'm tired of trying to be strong for everyone else and I miss having people around who really challenge me in my faith and my actions. But I also realize I don't actually want to lose these friends. They are the first people I feel like I've really been able to open up too which is awesome but I just feel like I did at the end of high school, like we will all go out seprate ways.

I hope I am proven wrong.
I hope I get out of this funk.
I hope I continue to learn how to respond to relationships
I hope those people I met meet Jesus one day.

That's what I want most tonight.